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Q What the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

Q How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A "Hey, guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"

Q What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A "Would you like fries with that?"

Great country song titles!
a. Thanks to the cathouse, I’m in the doghouse with you
b. I fell in a pile of you and got love all over me
c. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead?
d. I don’t want your body if your hearts not in it
e. At the gas station of love, I got the self service pump
f. Going to Hell in Your heavenly arms
g. I want a beer as cold as my ex-wife’s heart
h. One day when you swing that skillet, my face ain’t gonna be there
i. I would kiss you through the screen door, but it would strain our love
j. I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here
k. Come out of the wheatfield Nellie, you’re going against the grain

Q What is the difference between a songwriter and a large pizza?
A A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
A Homeless ..

Q How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A Pay for the pizza.

Q What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A "Will the defendant please rise ..."

Q What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A A drummer.

Q How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None. They have machines to do that now.

Q How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
A He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

Q How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A The bow is moving.

Q How can you tell when the lead singer is at your door?
A She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

Q What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
A because no one will look for them.

BLUES RULES

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...